Motherhood is a gift...or not

I was at a wedding earlier in the year, talking to a pregnant person in the line for the loos.  We were talking about when she was due and then talked about my daughter and the son that she had already. 

As the conversation continued she looked in to my eyes and said something along the lines of "It's just such a gift isn't it?  It's just the best thing in the world.  It's just a real gift".   I nodded and smiled, looking like I was agreeing with her, all the time thinking, "Is she really serious?  Does she really really believe that?"

I have heard a few people say this now.  And I don't...get it.  It does not resonant with me, but even more, it makes me feel squirmy.  Very squirmy.

I understand that just because it's true for me, it doesn't mean that it's not true for other people.

But a gift is free, without pain, effort, cost and comprise.  It comes to you with joy and doesn't take from you. 

And I love her, but the Strumpette is not a gift.  She comes with pain, effort and compromise. Confusion and frustration.  Tiredness, every-day-grindiness.  She is awesome, and smart, and funny, and oh-so-cute, but a gift she is not. Gifts don't snot on you and shit in the bath.

And it makes me squirmy - because by framing Motherhood in this way, we erase all that stuff that makes Motherhood and parenting so bloody difficult and consuming.  And that does no one any favours.  You can't complain about a gift, say you're struggling with a gift, that you need help with a gift.

And that is really problematic.  Because then people don't voice their problems.  Don't mention that they're having trouble coping.  Don't explain that sometimes it ain't all baby cuddles and soft skin. Because there is nothing wrong with a gift, amirite?

I'm not saying that there isn't a lot of awesome when it comes to parenting. Because there is.  It must be for the human race to keep breeding as it does.  But a gift it is not. So I think we have to be careful about the way we talk about parenting to others.  So we can leave the lines open to commiserate, share and debrief.  Which is really the gift now isn't it?

NOTE
Maybe if I had struggled with fertility and really really went through hoops to get a baby, I might feel different.  For those of you in that boat, I apologise and allow you your feelings!

The neverending struggle

So
I am relatively new to this whole parenting gig.  About a year new. And I am a SAHM and my husband works, so the lion's share of care falls to me.  This is the decision we made, and I am all good with that.

We just recently celebrated the Bubbanor's 1st birthday a few weeks ago.
And for the most part, I love it.  It's endlessly fascinating and entertaining and changing.

But it also WORK. And the part that I find the most work? Not the nappy washing, the bum changing, the breast feeding, the food feeding, the outfit changing and all that associate drudgery.

It is ensuring that my partner is involved in her care when we are together.  Let me clarify, when I am not there he is all fine with her routine, and going out and about and making decision about what to do when and where.

But when I am there, he abdicates this responsibility to me.  Because I know her best, because it is second nature to me to pack her bag early, to decide to go out at this time because it work best for that nap or mealtime.  And it would be easy for me to let him do that.  But that is not what I signed up for. That is not how I want our parenting to be.  So I work at it.

What time do you think we should head out tomorrow?

When works best for X?

You decide, you know her schedule, what do you think is best?

X time.

Good, okay, cool.

The problem is that I am the one that always asks this question - if I don't ask it, it is assumed that I am taking care of it.

At bathtime, if I am there, he forgets to get out a night nappy, pyjamas, to check the time, and so he will ask for me to do these things.  He copes when I am not there, but when I am there, he abdicates again and again.

I am the one who keeps an eye on the clock for snacks, for lunch, for bathtime. I am the one who reminds him that is the time for these things.  Because if I don't remind him, then they are left for me.

I know I need to talk to him about this, and I know he is aware he does it but he still does it.  It would be less tiring to give up and just do those things myself - without the reminder, without pushing him to make the decision. And it has suprised me, that this thing is the most tiring part of parenting.

 But I refuse to capitulate.  But it is work and I don't feel like it will ever end. It is tiring to continually be struggling

Is this an unusual parenting thing or does this tend to happen when one parent has the lion's share of care?  I would be interested in your responses and thoughts....